A “Here’s The Fucking Twist” Giveaway!

Heads up, nerds! I’m running a giveaway through my #bookstagram account: @thefuckingtwist and I don’t want any of my lovely book friends to miss out!

You might be asking yourself why I’m doing this? What’s the occasion?

I know most accounts do giveaways to celebrate follower count, but I’m honestly not at all concerned with that number. I’m so happy with the support and readership I have, and the bookish connections I’ve made, that even if only 5 people interacted with me, I’d be thrilled and consider this a success.

It’s all about the book love, bitches!

I decided to do this giveaway because it’s my birthday on Thursday and the holiday season (whatever holiday you observe) is officially underway which always makes my Grinch-y sized heart grow 3 times it’s size. Hell, maybe my reviews will even get nicer?! Probably not. Even still, this is a holiday-themed giveaway to celebrate all those good things!

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Book Tag: The Liebster Award, Take Three

I am only doing this again because Grey @ Use Your Words gave me a bonus nomination from my nomination of her. “You’re my boy, blue!”

How can I resist an opportunity to run my mouth, maybe talk some shit and avoid doing my actual job this morning? I can’t! I have almost zero self-control! It’s why I’ve started and stopped diets like a million times this year! ZERO SELF-CONTROL. So, let’s take advantage of this terrible personality trait!

Literally me.

Sidenote: If you’re not following Grey’s blog or Insta, you are missing out. Thoughtful reviews, personal commiserating and beautiful pictures. Get your head out of your ass and 👏check👏 her👏 out👏

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Review: The Breakdown by B.A. Paris

★★

Opening Hook: Can’t a person just sit in their car anymore without being murdered?

Main Character: She is the Toby to my Michael Scott

Plot Twisty-ness: A predictable anxiety-fest

I’m pretty sure me and B.A. Paris need to break up.

I read and kind of enjoyed Behind Closed Doors, but I was not over the moon about it like most other reviewers were. Even now, when I think back on that reading experience the only things I remember are that 1) the main character was super annoying, and 2) *spoiler alert* it’s totally ridiculous to believe that a high-powered attorney who works 60+ hour weeks on huge cases, would also have enough time to be that on the fucking nose when it came to keeping his wife hostage.

You don’t want the things a reader remembers about your book to be just the illogical, annoying bits.

And I’m afraid The Breakdown is going to be another exercise in this for me.

B.A. Paris seems to have a habit of writing the most annoying female main characters – dumb, slow-on-the-upswing and insecure – who are married to the most obviously untrustworthy men. I can’t be the only one who is seeing the perfect, loving and thoughtful husband routine as completely shady? Maybe it’s because I’m married and 100% woke to the fact that even the most romantic of men are not going to be perfect. If they are, they are trying to bamboozle you, bitch!

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Music Monday: Rage Against the Machine – Killing in the Name

Monday, you whore!

Warning: This is not a bookish post.

So, I know I usually try to do a Music Monday that is inspired by whatever book I’m currently reading (Pretty Ugly Lies and The Breakdown, btw,) but with the U.S. Midterms looming tomorrow, I can’t seem to focus on anything else but that. I’m serious. It’s an addiction. I’ll need to be sedated tomorrow.

I am literally at work right now with all-day news coming through my earbuds. My husband complained over the weekend that all I ever had on was the news so he wasn’t going to be hanging out with me until the midterms were over.

AND I’M CANADIAN.

You might ask yourself, why, as a Canadian don’t I mind my fucking business and focus on my own country? Good question, rude way of asking it though. But, I’ll tell you.

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Review: Guess Who by Chris McGeorge

“Today, we are going to be playing a little game of Murder.”

★★★½

Opening Hook: Basically a classic Kesha song

Main Character: If Maury and Robert Stack had a baby, but that baby was drunk all the time

Plot Twisty-ness: Jigsaw would be proud

I went into this novel with every intention of loving it completely. I swear to Thor. But okay, obviously I didn’t completely get there. Story of my life. No one is shocked.

Guess Who started off as a five-star read until I passed the halfway mark and that’s when things fell off the chart. For the first half of the book, it is very much SAW meets Clue, just minus the horror element. But it does create a sinister, frantic pace and tone that definitely had me hooked. It’s a locked-room mystery that feels both extravagant and desperate at first, at that definitely worked for me in a totally non-sexual sexual way.

Morgan Sheppard is a TV star who has made a living doing a Maury meets Unsolved Mysteries-style show called Resident Detective. As a child, he solved the murder of his math teacher and created a very successful career riding (read: exploiting) that wave. Through his fame, he’s turned into an alcoholic, drug addict and womanizer. The only problem is, Sheppard has been full of shit for a very long time. And someone knows it. And someone hates him.

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Book Tag: What Spoopy Creature Are You? (#Blogoween)

Trick or Treat, bitches!

Tomorrow is Halloween! And that means Blogoween is officially over *whomp whomp*

While I mourn one, I’m excited about the other. Specifically, I’m excited to hand out some candy so that there’s less of it in my house. Because I’ll be honest, we bought three 120 piece boxes from Costco, and a lot of it is gone. I just want to come clean about that. Between myself, my husband and the one kid still at home we did a number on that goddamn candy.

It’s shameful and embarrassing and I had to buy another 100 pieces to make sure I don’t run out tomorrow. At least it was on sale??? #shame

Tonight, we’re going to see the new Halloween (have you seen it? did you love it?) because it’s a top 5 favourite movie series of mine. And then tomorrow we’ll watch whatever scary movies are streaming and hand out candy to all the cute little kids and the questionably-aged teenagers.

But today, I’m doing Bookwyrming Thought’s quiz to find out which spoopy creature is actually my spirit animal when the moon rises.

I’m inclined to think it’s a something like an anti-social witch or a smart-ass demon, but we’ll see.

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Review: The Flight Attendant by Chris Bohjalian

“A smart girl is nobody’s pushover and nobody’s foe. A smart girl is both sword and smile.”

★★

Opening Hook: I woke up like this (next to a dead body)

Main Character: Barely sober, mostly stupid

Plot Twisty-ness: Only twisty because she’s drunk and dizzy

Oh, boy this is super disappointing.

The Flight Attendant had been on my radar for a while. Maybe I should have paid more attention to the other reviews on the matter, but my ability to make a snap decision based on a good synopsis has been my downfall once again.

All I saw was “she wakes up next to a dead body,” and I was 100% on board with this. (That was a genuinely subtle plane pun.)

But Omigod, it was not at all what I was hoping it would be. The kick-off has so much promise to be suspenseful and thrilling, but it didn’t end up working for me.

I knew it was a thriller. But no one warned me that this was a spy thriller. Jesus, take the wheel! I don’t think I have ever liked a spy thriller. As Peter Griffin would say, they insist upon themselves.

It is my personal opinion that spy thrillers only work on screen because at least the ridiculousness of the storyline can be matched with action sequences and it all balances out in that over-the-top framework.

Despite the opening of Cassie, The Drunk Flight Attendant, waking up next to a dead body after another one-night stand caught my attention, this novel really devolved after that into a spy thriller format that left little for me to be interested in because I found it all to be cheesy and silly.

“It was just like so many of the other times she had woken up naked and hungover in bed with a guy, with only the slightest idea how she had gotten there – except this time the guy was dead.”

Brace for some mild spoiler-y complaining…

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Book Tag: The Versatile Blogger Award

Happy Hump Day, Nerdos!

I’m like 80% sure I’m coming down with a cold, so my brain is basically sleepy mush today and I had no idea what kind of post I’d be able to write that wasn’t completely half-assed.

And honestly, I don’t want to put out half-assed stuff. I’d rather post less often with high quality (for me) stuff then post daily with shit I’m just tossing out there, hoping it sticks.

Thankfully, Dora @ Swift Coffee has given me the perfect out for today by nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award!

I have no idea what that means, but I’m grateful!

Honestly, while we’re on it, I never have any idea what most of these blogger award tags are for. Best Actor? Best Director? Worst Blowjob Scene?

What we need is some description of what these awards are far, what was the qualifying criteria? Am I to assume I’m versatile in some way? Because I can assure you, I am not. I’m a fickle, stubborn, cranky bitch who is very difficult to please and if you change plans on me last minute I’m gonna throw a fit.

But here we are… Versatile Awards for me!

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True Crime Tuesday: The Halloween Killer (& My Hometown Murder Update)

It’s almost here! Can you feel it? Halloween night creeping ever closer?

Do you have your costumes ready? Your pumpkins carved? Have you eaten all of the candy you were supposed to be saving for young, innocent children dressed as tigers and bumblebees that make your ovaries go, “You’re 32!! You better decide if this is cute enough to make you want this sooner rather than later!!”

Huh? Yeah, me neither.

To help us prepare for the big night – because the countdown is officially on! – I’m back with another Halloween inspired TCT to really help scare the shit out of you on October 31st.

You’re going to be sitting around, waiting for the knock on the door, watching a scary movie, and suddenly there it will be – a memory of that time I told you about people being fucking murdered in their homes after handing out candy. And you’ll think, THAT BITCH.

Or you’ll be out at a party, dressed up in your sexy slice of pizza costume or your sexy Big Bird costume or your sexy hot dog costume or your sexy Pikachu costume or your sexy Eleven from Strange Things costume (she’s just a child, what is wrong with you?) and suddenly there it will be – a memory of that time I told you about people being fucking murdered walking home drunk in their sexy Halloween costumes. And you’ll think, THAT CUNT.

BUT FIRST…

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Review: Wychwood (Wychwood, #1) by George Mann

★★★

Opening Hook: Killer and Killee (?) running through the woods, Jason style.

Main Character: Drinks a shit load of tea

Plot Twisty-ness: Like a half-assed pretzel.

I’m wavering between 2 and 3 stars for this one because on one hand, it’s not a bad book. The writing is good, the characters don’t suck, the setting is kind of spooky and the crimes were unique, not something I’d ever read about before.

But then on the other hand, if I think about it, this book was super formulaic, there was nothing different about the plotting, the villain’s reveal. And although the crimes were in-depth and thought out with great detail, the ending was also pretty predictable (read: typical.)

Nothing about this book was outside the box, which is disappointing because it had every opportunity to be considering it was working with a partly supernatural storyline.

It came across to me like George Mann had read a bunch of mediocre crime fiction and decided those examples are how you plot a mystery, or is how a journalist would get wrapped up in the case. And I’m not even mad about it because I thought all of that for a long time too, so I get why it happens.

It’s kind of like movies scenes that we’ve seen a hundred times, but we know for real that they never happen in real life but we rarely question what we’re watching.

Why does the mother keep preparing a glorious breakfast feast for the kids/father/pets, just for them to only take one bite and then run out the door? Or why do so many people dream of being kissed by a beautiful woman only to wake up and realize it’s the dog licking their face. Or someone calls with terrible news and instead of explaining it, they say “turn on the news!” and when they do it just so happens to be at the very beginning of the event so you get all the pertinent details.

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