Amazon Original Stories | 2018
Opening Hook: a mid-life crisis never looked this annoying.
Main Character: Deserves a swift kick to his cheating balls.
Plot Twisty-ness: Same thing as watching MSNBC.
In the spirit of the fall season, I’ve started picking up some scarier, horror-themed books. Now all I need is genuine sweater weather. Honestly, what is with this heat? Greta Thunberg is amazing, but she’s clearly too late. I shouldn’t still be running my air conditioner.
Why couldn’t she start yelling at all these adults when she was like eight? Would that have been too much to ask? FOR A CHILD TO FIX ALL THESE PROBLEMS SOONER!?
Honestly, nothing makes me happier than watching boomers lose their minds over this teenager rubbing what they’ve ruined in their faces. Her and David Hogg need to host a Ted Talk together or something, purely just for the shit-show conservatives will put into production.
Anyhooters… when I realized I had Amazon Prime Books, which lets me borrow ebooks and return them whenever I’m done (easily the greatest discovery of my 30-something years of life so far,) I knew it was time for me to finally read the Dark Corners collection, which I’ve had my eye on for a while.
Three dollars for a 40-page story? That’s gonna be a no from me dawg. Oh, it’s free now? I’ll read that shit out of that.
Yeah, I said it. You were all thinking it.
Continue reading “Review: The Tangled Woods (Dark Corners Collection) by Emily Raboteau”
Minotaur Books | 2019
Opening Hook: Stop for a pedestrian, get shot by a sniper. The moral is, stop being polite.
Main Character: Excuse me, sir, your glass eye is upside down.
Plot Twisty-ness: Once you get off the soapbox, it’s a complex, snow-covered road.
Okay, listen up! You want to read this book.
If I could tie you up, for completely non-sexual sexual reasons, and force you to read this, I wouldn’t because I am a strong supporter of consent. But you should still read this, regardless of if I am exerting my will over you or not.
I’m going to go full Stefan on you right now, and say this book’s got everything! Blood, guts, impressive sniper shots and lots of action. There’s a retired FBI agent with one eye, a prosthetic leg, five foster children, dead old rich lady flashbacks and Page’s dope ability to solve crimes using mathematical algorithms that he does in his head just by looking at things. Seriously, he mental-MacGyver’s the fuck out of some crime scenes.
It’s like borderline dumb but also really cool, so I’m not mad about it.
Continue reading “Review: City of Windows (Lucas Page, #1) by Robert Pobi”
Little, Brown & Company | 2019
Opening Hook: Where’s Waldo the War Criminal?
Main Character: Lindsay’s gonna Lindsay.
Plot Twisty-ness: Typical predictable Patterson
Let’s get this straight, Patterson and I broke up a long time ago. But just like every toxic relationship cycle, sometimes I go back to him.
Specifically, I go back when a new Women’s Murder Club instalment is released. I’ve been reading this series since the first book was published in 2001. I was fifteen, and at that time, I thought Patterson was the epitome of great crime fiction. It took me into my 20s, with exposure to crime fiction that was legitimately good, to realize that Patterson isn’t a very good writer, he’s just prolific. And I like a lot of people, confused “popular” with being talented.
That’s not to say people don’t genuinely enjoy his work. Obviously they do, but objectively it’s pretty bad.
Now, I don’t care if you’re the biggest Patterson fan around, I’m not interested in a debate. Go read, write glowing reviews for him to your heart’s content. It affects me zero percent. But my opinion is that he’s a terrible writer. TERRIBLE. But remember, it’s only one opinion. I am not the final say in the matter. So don’t fucking @ me about it.
Every year I make a resolution to not read any Patterson, and every year I break that resolution at least once. This is my one for 2019.
Continue reading “Review: The 18th Abduction (Women’s Murder Club, #18) by James Patterson & Maxine Paetro”
I just wanted to write a quick little post to say THANK YOU so much to everyone who voted in the blogger awards, organized by the lovely May over at Forever & Everly. Please stop by her blog and check out the full list of winners. She worked hard on this and even endured a little undeserved drama, so your clicks and your support are important.
I was nominated in the Mystery/Thriller category along with some other amazing bloggers, and it means so much to me that you thought to vote for me. But to put me in a position to win the category? It’s totally mind-blowing.
In all seriousness, I’m deeply touched by how you’ve accepted my weird personality and my writing voice in this small internet space I’ve carved out for myself.
Continue reading “The Third Annual Book Blogger Awards: I Fucking Won! This is my “Thank You.””
Ballantine Books | 2018
Opening Hook: Basic bitch googles body burial.
Main Character: Good girl gone bad and gets a Swiss bank account.
Plot Twisty-ness: Call the gangster in prison to fix it.
What can I say? I fucking liked this. But it’s going to be a love it or hate it kind of book for readers because it’s different and crammed with multiple genres and plot elements. So, if you read it because I gave my elusive stamp of approval and walk away thinking I must have been high, then one: you’re right. and two: I’m also high right now.
Please don’t lose trust in me, but this worked for me. I readily admit that might have a lot to do with the audiobook quality because that shit was fucking FIRE.
The author narrates, and at first I was like that’s kind of weird, but then I found out she’s an actress who has been in things like Downton Abbey (never watched it, don’t act surprised.) Seriously, try the audiobook if you’re looking for maximum entertainment from this novel, because Catherine Steadman burns it down.
Continue reading “Review: Something in the Water by Catherine Steadman”
Minotaur Books | 2019
Opening Hook: Skeletons as a crash pad.
Main Character: Made of cardboard, but good at her job.
Plot Twisty-ness: Mommy would be proud.
I read Caged last year, the first in this series featuring FBI agent/neuroscientist Sayer Altair, and my review basically came down to two things.
One: the twists were uninspired. While they did exist, it was the same thing over and over again and it became predictable and monotonous.
And two: the lead character of Agent Altair was boring AF. I’m sorry, but girl has the personality of a cardboard cutout.
For the second instalment in the series, I’m happy to say the author definitely fixed the first issue and clearly tried to make some headway with the second. That’s why this book gets half a star more than its predecessor.
That’s just the kind of generous reviewer I am.
Continue reading “Review: Buried (Agent Sayer Altair, #2) by Ellison Cooper”
If you’re anything like me, the release of the new season of Mindhunter might have sent you into an orgasmic tailspin and you’ve binged the entire season already, maybe even twice.
Let’s be honest, Bill Tench could fucking get it.
David Fincher is a genius. This show is diabolical perfection. I’ve never been more in love with anything in my entire life, except for maybe Silence of the Lambs.
Now that it’s over, I’m hurting. I’m hurting bad.
Continue reading “Booknerd Wednesday: 7 Things To Read To Ease Your Mindhunter Withdrawal”
“I’m married to a billionaire, like in all those books I read where the super rich guy falls in love with the poor chick who may not have much in the way of money but is wealthy in vivacity and sprightliness, and is really into bondage?”
St. Martin’s Press | 2016
Opening Hook: The ghost whose body is buried in the backyard.
Main Character: The only god I’d worship.
Plot Reaper-ness: Three cases and an exorcism.
What is there to say about this series that I haven’t said nine previous times already? Literally. I find it particularly difficult to write reviews for a series that has had very few missteps and never pisses me off…too much.
Really, writing harsh/critical reviews is where I feel that I shine as a writer and reviewer. I’m not good at being nice and heaping praise. And certainly, my kinder reviews are not getting the same traction as my more ranty ones.
I think there’s probably a whole psychological element to my life and personality that could be dissected because of this, but I don’t feel like holding up that goddamn mirror right now, if ever.
Continue reading “Review: The Curse of Tenth Grave (Charley Davidson, #10) by Darynda Jones”
Ooo boy, I haven’t done one of these in a while!
This seems like a perfect one for me because, technically, I think I’m still in mourning over the end of the show. There might even be a little bit of trauma I’ve not yet found closure for because of how this fucking ridiculous show ended. Like, excuse me, but HOW DARE YOU Game of Thrones?
Count me among the disappointed fans.
Not because I would have hated any ending or some Freudian shit like that, but because the last three seasons were rushed AF and not nearly as dedicated to telling a full story as the first 5(ish) seasons were.
There are so many story threads that needed closure! So many other ways that character plots could have been wrapped up? You kill Cersei by dropping a few bricks on the bitch?! What is this, Wizard of OZ?
AND UMMM HELLO AZOR AHAI?????? WHERE ARE YOU?
Anyway, I can’t get into all of this without my blood pressure going up, so let’s just do the damn tag.
Thanks to the lovely Grey over at Use Your Words for tagging me!
Continue reading “Book Tag: Game of Thrones Edition”
A surprise affect of my true crime interest is that some days my appreciation and deep love for my husband is amplified as if the volume has been turned up to eleven.
That’s not to say that there are other days where I am numb to it. Quite the opposite. I’m always fully aware of the cosmic luck that brought my husband to me. Contrasted against the background of my shitty ex and the shady AF choices I’ve made in my life, (that I’m truly surprised didn’t totally fuck me,) he doesn’t really need to do much to be wonderful. But he does anyway.
Every one thought we were crazy when we met. Getting involved, being long distance, trying to navigate an immigration system, starting over from scratch once he moved to Canada and blending our family. But it was truly one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I followed my heart completely on that one, because from a rational point of view, yeah we were taking big, unknown risks and it could have gone totally sideways.
But here were are. Seven years later.
And some days, when the volume is up to eleven, it feels like my heart is going to burst out of my chest and be carried away by a million butterflies because I know, truly and honestly, from the bottom of my bottom, that my husband would never kill me and stuff my body in a 55-gallon drum.
Continue reading “True Crime Tuesday: The Bear Brook Murders”