Review: Lie to Me by J.T. Ellison

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★★★

MIRA | 2017

Filed Under: People really be trying to get on an episode of Dateline instead of going to therapy.


“They built a life on lies.”

Okay, if you say so.

I was expecting a dark domestic noir thriller, and instead what I got were two assholes who married each other and could have avoided a lot of shit if they’d just, I don’t know, talked like people who got married for a reason.

Failing that, try therapy.

Their marriage issues were all tales as old as time. Nothing really shocking – He has a wandering eye. She can be cold and distant. They don’t communicate well. Sometimes they love each other, and sometimes they want to chuck plates at each other’s throats. Big deal, that’s marriage for a lot of people.

What’s not normal life for most of us, however, is the amount of money these two assholes have. Or the death of their child. Or the sinister events that engulf their lives very quickly.

Much of the mundane “crumbling marriage” tropes take place in an oversized, fantastical world of good looks, success, wealth and travel – extremes that are not realistic for the general population. So, somewhere between the banal issues of their marriage and the over-the-top baseline for their way of life, is where you will find me still deciding whether or not this book resonated with me.

Continue reading “Review: Lie to Me by J.T. Ellison”

Review: The Next Girl (DI Gina Harte, #1) by Carla Kovach

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★★★

Bookouture | 2018

Filed Under: Prom Night Dumpster Baby


This was pretty enjoyable, I have to say. For a debut in a series, it hit mostly all the right notes. But, at the same time, it was missing aspects that I look for to really make a procedural more than just the typical.

The story boils down to an abandoned baby, a woman who’s been missing for four years (who is the mother of that baby), and one seasoned — but borderline PTSD — detective on the case.

You hear all of that and you think, yes gimme! It sounds like the perfect recipe.

But I’m left feeling a bit like Gordon Ramsay on Master Chef when someone brings up a beautiful looking dish and he tastes it and says: “It looks fantastic, but where’s the seasoning? Did you salt the fucking chicken?”

Carla Kovach forgot to salt the fucking chicken on this one.

It’s a minor mistake in the grand scheme of things, but it means something is off the whole time you’re eating.

I don’t know why I’m doing a food metaphor, honestly. I hate food metaphors. And I hate cooking.

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Review: Dark Game (DI Kelly Porter, #1) by Rachel Lynch

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★★★

Canelo | 2018

Filed Under: Dan Abram’s Pecs


Welcome to another edition of Krystin Struggles To Write A Review For A Book That Was Just Okay!

These are my least favourite reviews to write. I think I’m a person who creatively operates best under strong swings on the emotional spectrum. I don’t know what that says about me psychologically, but I don’t want to either.

Writing a review for a book that didn’t get me fired up either way is kind of like being asked “how was your weekend?” by an expectant colleague and struggling to come up with an answer because all I did was lie around in my PJs mindlessly watching repeats of Live PD.

That Dan Abrams sure does like some tightly fit sweaters. And I am not complaining.

I don’t know, guys… Do you want to talk about this book or do you want to talk about Dan Abrams’ wardrobe? I’m leaning more towards the wardrobe. Blue is really his colour.

yas checking out GIF by Vanessa Marie Carter

Alright, alright! Let’s do this.

Continue reading “Review: Dark Game (DI Kelly Porter, #1) by Rachel Lynch”

Review: The Vanishing Season by Joanna Schaffhausen

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★★★

Minotaur Books | 2017

Filed Under: Birthday cards and beer bottles doing their best to be creepy


This novel reads like the author really likes to watch the Hallmark Channel or Lifetime movies. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing if you’re into that.

Thor knows, I’ve binged all the Aurora Teagarden movies like a fucking champ.

The Vanishing Season ticks off a lot of boxes on the “Cozy Lifetime Mystery Checklist.”

That’s a thing. Let’s go through it…

In a small town (✓), Abigail Hathaway, who now goes by Ellery and escaped a serial killer as a teenager (✓), is now a cop herself (✓). But no one knows about her dark past (✓) and she intends to keep it that way. Ellery, with knowledge no one else has (✓), connects three seemingly unrelated missing persons cases that she’s never worked on (✓) and decides there must be a copycat killer in her tiny town (✓), but no one believes her (✓) and won’t unless she outs her true identity (✓). What this killer really wants is her (✓)! The killer starts to leave her notes and packages to let her know he knows who she is and is watching her (✓).

Ellery calls for backup in the form of a disgraced FBI agent (✓), who also happens to be the same agent that saved her from certain death all those years ago (✓).

Continue reading “Review: The Vanishing Season by Joanna Schaffhausen”

Review: Her Last Day (Jessie Cole, #1) by T.R. Ragan

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★★★

Thomas & Mercer | 2017

Filed Under: All tell, no show


I hate writing reviews for novels that didn’t get me fired up one way or the other.

Gushing reviews are easy. Angry reviews are fun.

But a blah review?

I mean, blah doesn’t give me the creative spark to live up to my potential as a sassy reviewer ’round these parts.

Sooooo yeaahhhhh… I’m having a hard time deciding how I feel about this offering by T.R. Ragan.

You’ve got all the makings of success in my eyes: A female P.I., a personal mystery, an interesting sub-plot and a serial killer on the loose.

Those are some big plot lines that have half the magic built right into them, all the author needs to do is throw in a little glitter and fire. Somehow this novel manages to be just okay — it’s just not sparkling, baby!

I see a lot of reviews calling it a fast-paced thriller, and um…

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Review: Black-Eyed Susans by Julia Heaberlin

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★★★½

Ballantine Books | 2015

Filed Under: Canadian Bacon is not Ham ffs!


This is just an OK book about O.J. Simpson.

Oh, I’m sorry, it’s not about O.J. Simpson? He’s just talked about incessantly?

My bad.

So, this is a pretty good suspense mystery that is not about O.J. Simpson.

But who are we kidding? There really is no O.J. mystery.

*Points to my name tag that reads: Ask me about how O.J.’s oldest son probably did it and he covered it up for him*

Black-Eyed Susans follows Tessa, the only surviving victim of a serial killer. Known as “the lucky one,” her body was left in a ditch covered in the ominous yellow flowers and surrounded by the remains of three other women. Now 32, with a daughter and a life she’s scraped together with determination and strength, Tessa has to face the consequences of the testimony she gave at her accused killer’s trial — she’s not totally convinced the right man is behind bars anymore.

But just like everyone else in the history of mystery novels with a lazy plot device, the bitch has amnesia and can’t remember what happened to her. Ugh, fucking amnesia.

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Review: Seventh Grave and No Body (Charley Davidson, #7) by Darynda Jones

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★★★½

St. Martin’s Press | 2014

Filed Under: Blow jobs as portals to otherworldly secrets


So, in this instalment we follow our hero (sans coffee — the horror!) as she balances running from the 12 hell hounds sent to kill her, trying to solve a Friday The 13th style mystery, testing her growing abilities, learning more about whether she’s going to save or destroy the world as per the big ole prophecy, dealing with being pregnant, and of course, delving deeper into her dysfunctional relationship with Reyes.

At this point, fans pretty much know what they’re going to get when they pick up a Charley book. There’s not a lot to say about this series that hasn’t already been said, or can’t be said exclusively with gifs and some swear words.

Also, I don’t like pregnant Charley.

Babies ruin everything. There. I said it.

If the overall prophecy arc has been a favourite part of this series for you, then you’re in luck! We learn so much more about what the fuck is really going on, including all that Charley is capable of and what her destiny is shaping up to be.

Continue reading “Review: Seventh Grave and No Body (Charley Davidson, #7) by Darynda Jones”

Review: N0S4A2 by Joe Hill

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★★★½

William Morrow | 2013

Filed Under: I’ve never read Stephen King before.


OMG, I HAVE FINALLY READ THIS FUCKING BOOK. What’s it been, 30 years?!

I’m tired, guys. I’m so so tired.

I feel like I just escaped from Christmasland and my life force is nearly drained.

My head hurts. I think this book gave me a headache — that’s how intense it was.

The gist is Victoria ‘Vic’ McQueen can travel across a covered bridge on her bike and arrive on the other side wherever she wants to be.

Charlie Manx can drive his vintage 1938 Rolls-Royce Wraith to a supernatural amusement park, which he created, called Christmasland. And the Rolls-Royce is the key to getting in. On his way there, he kidnaps children. During the ride, the kids are drained of their life force in order to keep Manx alive, because you see, he’s a few hundred years old. Can’t let that decay start sloughing off body parts, can we?

“She told me about Charlie Manx. She warned me about him. She said there was a man, a bad man with a bad car. He used his car to suck the life out of children. He was a kind of vampire — a road vampire.”

Continue reading “Review: N0S4A2 by Joe Hill”

Review: White Bodies by Jane Robins

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★★★½

Atria Books | 2017

Filed Under: Eating teeth and hair like a goddamn appetizer.


If you’ve ever wanted to eat your sister’s hair, this book is for you.

Or if you just like reading twisty novels about obsession with a dose of weirdness, then definitely try this. I will in no way assume it’s because you also eat your sister’s hair.

This novel has a decidedly bleak, gloomy and unsettled atmosphere hanging over it, with a noir quality that is subtle, but evident. Combine that with twins and the “murder exchange” trope, and you’ve got yourself something that can only fail in its clichés.

Callie is the ugly twin. Tilda is the beautiful one. I’m going to be honest, they both have serious mental health issue — even if Tilda wants to play like only Callie does. Callie is a quiet, meek follower. Tilda is a leader, controlling and determined.

Continue reading “Review: White Bodies by Jane Robins”