Review: Behind Closed Doors by B.A. Paris

★★★

St. Martin’s Press | 2016

Filed Under: No one has this much time!

I am feeling pretty meh about this whole thing.

I don’t know if it was the hype, or my standards are at some level that not even I understand, but other readers seemed to fucking love this and for me, it fell short.

It got off to a slow start. There’s an obvious thread of unease to Grace and Jack’s marriage — her, the beautiful housewife and him, the successful lawyer — that you are quick to pick up on, but it takes quite a while to get around to just how nefarious Jack actually is. And by the time his true self is revealed, the story has taken on a stagnant quality.

Oh, more threats about Millie? Great. Did you want to use the word “perfect” a few hundred more times? Excellent. Grace’s friends are going to continue to think nothing is fucking weird as all hell? Okie-dokie.

So much focus is put on the small interactions — the paranoia Grace experiences in trying to figure out just how to act, and just what to say, in order to “win” against Jack — that it becomes quite tedious to read. And the plausibility is laughable. A high-powered attorney — who wins big and has his face splashed on the news, and who probably works 60+ hour weeks — also has time to monitor every single thing Grace does, to intercept all interactions, to feed her and care for her like a pet? How would any regular person have the energy for this, let alone a successful, busy attorney?

… Even if he is a fucking Looney Toon.

Oh yes, let me clean my prisoner’s poop bucket and cater their meals after a long day of work, that sound soooooo rewarding. Please.

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Review: The Good Daughter by Karin Slaughter

★★★★★

William Morrow | 2017

Filed Under: Forget a beach read, this is a thunderstorm read.

Yep, right in the feels.

I was hoping to write a really thoughtful review about this book, which I loved, and want all of you to love too, but right now my brain is a mushy mess.

For one, I’m getting over a head cold which has rendered me incapable of not much more than groaning and whining — noises that signal my husband to fetch me meds, water, food, or a combination of the three (he just has to guess.)

Secondly, I think the sheer magnitude of this tome has burnt me out. It’s a smidgen over 500 pages. And 99% of the time, when I read a book that big, I am screaming for editing to parse it down. But when it comes to the Quinn family saga, I wouldn’t know where to start. There is literally not a word wasted by Karin Slaughter — an epic feat when you consider just how much book there is to devour.

By the end, I was emotionally drained by Sam, Charlie and Rusty Quinn, and I don’t have the vocabulary left to fully express myself (she says as she goes on to write a dissertation-sized review)…

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My Top Five Friday The 13th Reads!

Happy Friday the 13th, book friends!!

I love any kind of creepy, superstitious day like this. I’m waiting with bated breath for Halloween. My head is swimming with all the ways I’m going to decorate my front porch. Skeletons, spiders and the spookiest pumpkins I can carve up.

Before we get into my list of spooky novels to read today, I want to share something a little personal. On July 13th, 2012, I walked into a Tim Hortons near my home and met the man I had been talking to online for three months. He had driven five hours from New York state and crossed my Canadian border (no pun intended) so that we could finally meet in person. We had been talking every day, on the phone, over email, texts, and DMs… just constantly talking and falling in love.

We’ll celebrate our five-year wedding anniversary on October 13th, at the time of writing this. Yes, the 13th.

Tonight, we’re going to celebrate the day that changed our lives with pizza and weed and watching Friday The 13th, the classic 80s horror movie. But I think everyone should be celebrating this weird and superstitious day. One way to do it would be turning out the lights and curling up with a scary AF classic horror novel, because this day deserves a little old school creepy.

Here’s my list of the top five classic horror books to read on Friday the 13th!

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Review: Lie to Me by J.T. Ellison

★★★

MIRA | 2017

Filed Under: People really be trying to get on an episode of Dateline instead of going to therapy.

“They built a life on lies.”

Okay, if you say so.

I was expecting a dark domestic noir thriller, and instead what I got were two assholes who married each other and could have avoided a lot of shit if they’d just, I don’t know, talked like people who got married for a reason.

Failing that, try therapy.

Their marriage issues were all tales as old as time. Nothing really shocking – He has a wandering eye. She can be cold and distant. They don’t communicate well. Sometimes they love each other, and sometimes they want to chuck plates at each other’s throats. Big deal, that’s marriage for a lot of people.

What’s not normal life for most of us, however, is the amount of money these two assholes have. Or the death of their child. Or the sinister events that engulf their lives very quickly.

Much of the mundane “crumbling marriage” tropes take place in an oversized, fantastical world of good looks, success, wealth and travel – extremes that are not realistic for the general population. So, somewhere between the banal issues of their marriage and the over-the-top baseline for their way of life, is where you will find me still deciding whether or not this book resonated with me.

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Review: UNSUB (UNSUB, #1) by Meg Gardiner

★★★★★

Dutton | 2017

Filed Under: I don’t reread books but I would reread this

I love Meg Gardiner. She is a favourite author of mine. Anything she writes I want to read. Anything she has to say about writing, I want to hear. She is a brilliant author with a talent for writing action-packed mysteries with perfectly placed twists.

UNSUB is, by far, my new favourite novel by her.

Hands down.

It takes elements from famous serial killers, both real and fictional, and boils it down into one epic, smart and intricate serial killer crime thriller.

Universe have mercy on my mystery-book nerd soul!

A quick synopsis: Caitlin is a cop. Her dad is a retired cop and he’s gone coo-coo for Cocopuffs after hunting a madman, The Prophet, 20 years ago and never catching him. Present-day, The Prophet is back, killing again in bloody crazy fashion and it’s Caitlin’s turn to stop him.

Obviously inspired by the Zodiac killer, this also takes elements from things like Se7en, Red Dragon, Silence of the Lambs, Untraceable… and those are just the ones I can remember off the top of my stoned head, though I am sure there are more.

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Five Canadian Authors You Should Know

If you’re in the US right now everything is red, white and blue for Independence Day. The month of July gets y’all fired up and feeling aggressively patriotic. Fireworks and eagles, and 1 in 3 people predicting a civil war, and immigrant children in cages. It’s amazing.

Here in Canada, July has a similar effect. The 1st is Canada Day, our birthday. Everything is red and white, beavers and fireworks and our Prime Minister probably out somewhere taking selfies. True North, Strong and Free, eh!

Most people don’t even realize we’re celebrating a thing at all. And that’s fine, really, because we know, and we go all out, covering ourselves in maple syrup and doing sexual things with hockey sticks. Maybe. Probably. Whatever. Don’t judge.

But it got me thinking, we Canadians have a lot to be proud of that doesn’t necessarily get recognized across borders until someone like Justin Bieber becomes an international sensation and people start screaming “take him back, Canada!” and we’re like, “but we don’t want him either! You made him weird! He’s too religious now!”

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Review: The Next Girl (DI Gina Harte, #1) by Carla Kovach

★★★

Bookouture | 2018

Filed Under: Prom Night Dumpster Baby

This was pretty enjoyable, I have to say. For a debut in a series, it hit mostly all the right notes. But, at the same time, it was missing aspects that I look for to really make a procedural more than just the typical.

The story boils down to an abandoned baby, a woman who’s been missing for four years (who is the mother of that baby), and one seasoned — but borderline PTSD — detective on the case.

You hear all of that and you think, yes gimme! It sounds like the perfect recipe.

But I’m left feeling a bit like Gordon Ramsay on Master Chef when someone brings up a beautiful looking dish and he tastes it and says: “It looks fantastic, but where’s the seasoning? Did you salt the fucking chicken?”

Carla Kovach forgot to salt the fucking chicken on this one.

It’s a minor mistake in the grand scheme of things, but it means something is off the whole time you’re eating.

I don’t know why I’m doing a food metaphor, honestly. I hate food metaphors. And I hate cooking.

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Review: The Lies They Tell by Gillian French

★★½

HarperTeen | 2018

Filed Under: Rich people getting lit (on fire)

I was really hoping this was going to be a sweaty, atmospheric summer thriller. But I only got one out of two from that list.

Depending on what’s important to you – the atmosphere or the thrills – you’re either going to love this or not.

Immediately upon starting this, I got a Revenge meets Gossip Girl meets Riverdale vibe. It’s got that “spoiled teens with no adult supervision in the Hamptons” thing going on.

It’s very rich versus poor. The pool owners and the pool cleaners. The Haves and the Have-nots.

The novel opens with a bang, so to speak, when the Haves suffer a tragedy the year prior – the Garrison estate goes up in flames, killing four members of the family. The only survivor is their teenage son, Tristan. The town is shaken, casting blame and suspicion on the members of the Have Nots, because of course the poor people want to kill the “elites.”

Right, ‘Murica?

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Mystery & Thriller Releases for Summer 2018!

Summer officially started last week! Do you feel it – the unbearable heat? Do you hear it – the sound of mosquitos eating me alive? Awww, summer.

The stepkid – hereby referred to as “15” for the purposes of this post – had his last exam and is leaving on Saturday for an extended visitation with Crazy Pants, the bio-mom.

…and to me that means FREEDOM!

*slowly starts to paint face blue*

I’m kidding.

I whine sometimes, but being a stepmom is really not that bad compared to the horror stories I’ve heard in my support group. (It’s still a hard thing to do, hence the support group.) But, the kid is pretty clean and polite and doesn’t think I’m an evil twat, so I think I’m doing okay.

I will say, I’m glad the older one moved out because cishet-teenage 👏 boys 👏 are 👏 fucking 👏 gross👏

My clean/organized neurosis couldn’t take it anymore.

So, obviously, It’s all coming up Milhouse for me right now… you know, except for the stuff that isn’t. But, I have a good feeling about this summer *knocks on wood.*

Some people can’t wait for summer because it means the beach and amusement parks and camping and whatever the hell else extroverted, outdoorsy people do. I can’t wait for summer because it means quiet and a warm breeze coming through my bedroom window while I sit around in no pants (apparently you have to wear pants around stepchildren) reading the summer’s hottest books.

And what might those books be you ask? Well, I’m happy to tell you.

Here is my list of the new mystery & thriller books coming your way this summer. Get your TBR ready!

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Review: The Drowned Girls (Angie Pallorino, #1) by Loreth Anne White

★★★★½

Montlake Romance | 2017

Filed Under: Protect your lady-bits

I’m telling you right now, this book is the motherfucking shit.

Not even an exaggeration, honey.

And it’s the shit for one reason. Yes, it’s got murder. Yes, it’s got sex. Yes, it’s got a psycho serial killer. Yes, it’s hitting that fine line in the level of detail. Yes, it reads like real-life honesty. Yes, it’s got gore. Yes, it takes place in C to the A to the N to the A to the D to the A…

Hold on, did I spell that right? *goes back to check* Yep.

CANADA!

But listen to me readers and lovers: without Detective Angie Pallorino as a lead character, we would be sitting at a three-star rating. That’s just the truth.

Was there anything astonishing about the storyline? Not really. It’s interesting, but at the end of the day, it’s a police procedural. Extra points for taking place in Canada and getting my Canadian ass a little hyped because I’m always reading books that take place in the UK or the US. And quite honestly I’ve had just about enough of the United States at this moment in time.

I’m pretty sure serial killers obsessed with religious bullshit have been done to death.

But do you know what’s not done to death?

Serial killers obsessed with religious bullshit who are being hunted by Angie Pallorino.