#Slashmas: All The Thrillers For A Creepy Christmas (Or Whatever You Celebrate!)

Oh, shit, I’m so tired, you guys. This is going to be a chill post with lots of book recs, but just let me fucking complain for a hot minute.

I feel completely wiped out and I’m not sure why. I have no motivation when it comes to books lately. I think it’s because I’m so far behind in my reading. The more I look at the pile, the less I want to read, and the less I read the less I want to. It’s a vicious cycle.

The last quarter of the year has been a total wash for me in a lot of ways. I don’t know where the time went, or what I did or how I got to two weeks before Christmas and I’m not even done shopping yet.

I know a lot of people look at me like I’m crazy when I say that, in a “I haven’t even started yet!” kind of way, but I’m usually done shopping, with everything wrapped, by the first weekend of the month. I make it a point to push myself to get ‘er done because I’d much rather be home in the evenings watching movies, reading and enjoying the general holiday vibe, then stressing out with a sore back in a packed mall.

But honestly, I’m so off my game right now. I’m not sure I’ll even hit my reading goal (which I’ve already lowered once.)

In a bit of good news, I recently started fostering a rescue dog! We’ve named him Jovi because he’s got 80’s hair band kind of fur. Check out my Instagram page (@thefuckingtwist) to see pictures of him in my highlights and stories.

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7 Novels To Ease Your Mindhunter Withdrawal

If you’re anything like me, the release of the new season of Mindhunter might have sent you into an orgasmic tailspin and you’ve binged the entire season already, maybe even twice.

Let’s be honest, Bill Tench could fucking get it.

David Fincher is a genius. This show is diabolical perfection. I’ve never been more in love with anything in my entire life, except for maybe Silence of the Lambs.

Now that it’s over, I’m hurting. I’m hurting bad.

All I have left is re-watching the 19 episodes over and over again while I wait another 2 years (probably) for season three, if we even get one. I know you feel the same. You might be wondering what exists out there that will tide you over just a little bit. That will take the sting out of having zero new episodes on deck.

You came to the right girl to find out. I mean, probably. If you’ve read all of these books than this is not going to be any help to you whatsoever. Contact an addictions counsellor because I have a limited number of ideas.

For the rest of us, I can’t promise these novels of death and madness will make everything better, but it’ll sooth the craving if only for a little while.

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All the Books I Hated in 2018!

Look, it’s no secret that I’m a picky reader and I tear books to shreds like it’s my fucking job. (It’s not and I don’t get paid for this.)

I have no shame or guilt in how I come across. Quite honestly, I wear my Book Bitch reputation like a badge of honour. I don’t do sugar-coating. I don’t do polite for the sake of someone’s feelings (that’s called lying.) And I don’t beat around the bush. Either I like something or I don’t, and if I don’t I’ll let you know why so that you don’t waste your sweet, precious life reading turds. Or on the flip-side, maybe all the things I don’t like, you do. And you’ll walk away from a negative review thinking you want to read the book.

Either way, Inspector Turd Miner, at your service.

If you’re a writer – I do it so you can get better. No one ever grew from being told they were perfect just the way they are. I’m not here to tear you down, personally, only technically. I will have lots to say about plot points, pacing and other technical attributes of a novel, but I keep the other shit out of it. I think that’s important. And if you want to be a great writer, then listen to the negative reviews that are actually blunt, constructive criticism of the writing itself. I’m not saying listen to the shit talking. There’s a difference. I try not to go there… except for where James Patterson is concerned! *shakes fist* PATTERSON!!!!!

I don’t tear things down just for the fun of it, I do it so that everyone can grow. Do I have fun though? Obviously or I wouldn’t be here. (Like I said, I’m not getting paid.)

The upside to being brutally honest is that people trust me. If I say something is good, my friends tend to want to read it. Writers, publicists and publishers ask me to review things because 1) they are ballsy, and 2) if I like their book it’s going to stand out like a rose in a turd mine.

The metaphor there being that most of my reviews aren’t positive. Thank you.

In 2018, a read a few turds. And for one of my first posts in 2019, let’s take a look back at those books that have inspired me to start DNFing in the new year.

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My Top 5 Reads of 2018! (It was easy to narrow down because I’m such a grumpy bitch.)

Holy shit! Can you even believe it’s about to be 2019?!

Because seriously, 2018 felt like the longest year on record. Maybe it was all of the racism, xenophobia, misogyny and fake outrage drummed up to make both sides of the political spectrum look insane – but seriously, my mental health took a beating this year.

We had the fucking Olympics this year? Do you even remember that? Does it feel like it happened in a different space and time? Because it fucking didn’t – it happened in 2018!

I’m drained. I’m exhausted. I can’t take any more negativity.

I started this blog at the beginning of 2018 with a post about how much Trump sucks, and how I needed books to get through the crumbling state of the world.

And I’m going to end this year with the same sentiment. Trump sucks. His supporters suck. Their bullshit is seeping over the borders of every other country, with racist, far-right dipshits seeing his successes (if you can call them that) as a sign that it’s finally their time to impose their hateful world-view on the rest of us.

Quite honestly, I don’t know how much more I can take. How hard is it to be kind? How hard is it to just let others live their lives in the way they choose to if it isn’t hurting anyone, even if you don’t understand it? I don’t understand the preoccupation with the benign details and choices that other people make.

you are so cranky double double toil and trouble GIF

GET A LIFE.

That’s my hope for 2019. I hope all you hateful, obsessive motherfuckers can get a fucking life in the new year because I swear, that’s what’s going to fix you. If you had a happy and fulfilled life you wouldn’t be so fucking concerned with everyone else and where they put their body parts, or what colour their body parts are or what body parts they want to have. Just get a fucking life.

And my second hope for 2019, if you can’t get a life, is that you at least find a way to express your sexuality without guilt. A guilt-free orgasm, in exactly the way you want it with another consenting adult, can do wonders for a shitty fucking attitude.

Get A Life. Have An Orgasm. 2019🥂

big brother pop GIF by Big Brother After Dark

With that said, my hopes aren’t high for the coming year. It feels like a “everything needs to get worse before it can get better” kind of situation. Books are going to be as important to me in 2019 as they were in 2018, maybe even more so.

So, I want to take a look back on my top five reads of this past year. The books that brought peace to my personal bubble for a just a few hours.

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#Slashmas: All the Winter Holiday-Themed Reads You Need!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, booknerds!

And I mean that in the most inclusive way possible. There are 11 holidays celebrated this time of year by people of all different backgrounds. And that’s just what I know of. It is completely possible that there are more celebrations that I’m ignorant to.

The point is, that to me, it doesn’t matter what you celebrate this time of year, I just want your holidays to be everything that you want them to be. I want you to wish people whatever lovely greeting you choose to and I want you to be happy and loved.

For me and my little family, we are celebrating Yule/Saturnalia. And I need my Yule to include some goddamn murder!

That’s right, I said it. With the stress of shopping and wrapping and getting the house in order for family and friends, I like to wind down at the end of the day with some dead bodies and a big mystery to unravel.

Nothing says “Christmas” like blood in the snow.

So, if you’re anything like me, maybe you’re looking to build your TBR in December around some winter holiday themed crime fiction. And because I love you all so much, I’ve put together a list of what I think are your best bets to add to your pile, just to start you off.

Here’s my fucking list of the top holiday-theme books to quench your thirst for death this season!

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Top 10 Books On My Completely Arbitrary Buzz Index Scale!

What are books with buzz you might ask? Or maybe you won’t. Maybe you just inherently understand the concept of buzz and things having said buzz.

If not, here’s the idea: these are the books I keep hearing about. They are also probably the books you keep hearing about.

It’s the incessant little noise that floats around you, that you’re picking up on without really even intentionally acknowledging it.

bzzzzzzz….read me….bzzzzzz

Son-of-a-bee-sting, these are the most buzz-worthy books around right now…

PS. my “buzz index” is a completely arbitrary scale that means basically nothing. Enjoy!

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My Top Five Favourite Villains in Crime Fiction

Omigod, you guys, it’s Friday! I can’t believe I made. Honestly I almost fell asleep at work numerous times. Anyone else feel like this week dragged on foreverrrr?

Whatever, now IT’S FRIDAY!!! like I’m going to party or something. Ha! No. You should know me better than that by now. I went to the Foo Fighters concert last Thursday and it took a LITERAL WEEK for me to recover from being up until 3:30 in the morning. That is not even a joke. I wish it were.

Welcome to your 30s.

Even if I did have a quicker recovery time like I used to, I’m an introvert. I don’t want to party. Ugh, what a nightmare!

busy bel powley GIF by Carrie Pilby The Movie

A blissful Friday to me looks more like laying in bed, eating cheese and crackers and not worrying about how late I read or watch TV because I don’t have to be up for work the next day.

Paradise.

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Female Sleuths You Need To Know! (Other Than Nancy Drew)

Most of us ladies who are obsessed with crime fiction, likely got our start reading Nancy Drew when we were young girls in pigtails; young girls who didn’t really want to play the games our friends were playing. We liked puzzles and being observant and maybe kids thought we were weird or awkward. We watched Goonies and Ghost Writer and read The Babysitters Club. We wanted to go on a mystery adventure and solve a crime!

So we played at being Nancy Drew with our Sailor Moon “casebooks,” watching from our windows and writing down the neighbours’ activities as if we were going to catch them doing something sinister, like rolling a body into a carpet.

calm down bruce campbell GIF by Ash vs Evil Dead

And as we got older, we moved on to more adult crime fiction mysteries, but always gravitated towards Nancy like characters – Veronica Mars, Olivia Benson, Clarice Starling. Because Nancy had taught us it was okay to be into what we were into. We’ve never forgotten Nancy even though we have grown up. She’s frequently cited as an inspiration by writers and readers alike. Her name is mentioned in my “about” page for this blog, and I have been working on a collection of her books for a few years, picking them up from antique markets and used books stores. (Only the ones originally published by Dunlap & Grosset.)

But let’s be real for a moment – in hindsight, Nancy was kind of boring, tame. A true basic bitch. She was rich and white and polite, doing her sleuthing in sweet collared dresses and Mary-Jane pumps with a perfectly coiffed flipped bob. Of course, the series started in the 1930s, so what do you expect? There wasn’t really any room for Nancy to change societal norms drastically, nor was there a market for it.

Really, if you go back to those original books, you’ll find them to be racist and anti-feminist in a lot of their elements. Again, what do you expect from the time?

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My Top Five Friday The 13th Reads!

Happy Friday the 13th, lovers!!

I love any kind of creepy, superstitious day like this. I’m waiting with bated breath for Halloween. My head is swimming with all the ways I’m going to decorate my front porch. Skeletons, spiders and the spookiest pumpkins I can carve up.

Before we get into my list of spooky novels to read today, I want to share something a little personal. On July 13th, 2012, I walked into a Tim Hortons near my home and met the man I had been talking to online for three months. He had driven five hours from New York state and crossed my Canadian border (no pun intended) so that we could finally meet in person. We had been talking every day. It started through twitter, then email, then phone calls.

We were pretty sure we were in love, but you can never be 100% sure until you meet someone in person.

We’ll celebrate our five-year wedding anniversary on October 13th, at the time of writing this. Yes, the 13th.

Tonight, we’re going to celebrate the day that changed our lives with pizza and weed and watching Friday The 13th, the classic 80s horror movie. But I think everyone should be celebrating this weird and superstitious day. One way to do it would be turning out the lights and curling up with a scary AF classic horror novel, because this day deserves a little old school creepy.

Here’s my list of the top five classic horror books to read on Friday the 13th!

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Five Canadian Authors You Should Know

If you’re in the US right now everything is red, white and blue for Independence Day. The month of July gets y’all fired up and feeling aggressively patriotic. Fireworks and eagles, and 1 in 3 people predicting a civil war, and immigrant children in cages. It’s amazing.

Here in Canada, July has a similar effect. The 1st is Canada Day, our birthday. Everything is red and white, beavers and fireworks and our Prime Minister probably out somewhere taking selfies. True North, Strong and Free, eh!

Most people don’t even realize we’re celebrating a thing at all. And that’s fine, really, because we know and we go all out, covering ourselves in maple syrup and doing sexual things with hockey sticks. Maybe. Probably. Whatever. Don’t judge.

But it got me thinking, we Canadians have a lot to be proud of that doesn’t necessarily get recognized across borders until someone like Justin Bieber becomes an international sensation and people start screaming “take him back, Canada!” and we’re like, “but we don’t want him either! You made him weird! He’s too religious now!”

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