Review: You All Grow Up and Leave Me by Piper Weiss

★

William Morrow | 2018

Filed Under: Bondage Cabin in the Woods

This is the weirdest “true crime” novel I’ve ever read. Hands down.

First, because it’s mostly a memoir about someone who was not involved in any crime at all.

And second, because the crime is an attempted crime. Spoiler alert, I guess?

While I’m sure it was traumatizing for the women involved, in the context of a true-crime novel, nothing happened that could fill up an entire book. And what’s weirder, the author uses the attempted crime against someone else to question-plague herself for twenty+ years about why no one ever tried to kidnap and rape her.

Like, I just…

Sassy Channel 9 GIF by Married At First Sight Australia

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Review: Campfire by Shawn Sarles

★½

Jimmy Patterson | 2018

Filed Under: Hormones and BEST FRIENDS FOREVER

Okay, okay. I know what you’re going to say. But WAIT. I know this book is a James Patterson publication. And I know the forward is written by him. With that information in mind, you may be tempted to say that I’ve already broken my New Years’ resolution to not read any Patterson, but I disagree!

I’m calling this Patterson adjacent. It’s close, but it’s not on the target.

Also, I had no idea he had anything to do with this book until it was too late, soooo…

I’m leaving this up to the judges to decide.

JUDGES?

Judges’ ruling finds…it’s not a violation! It is NOT a violation! The crowd goes wild…

Oh, the judges are me? Go figure.

Now that we’ve taken care of that, onto my review for this raging ~~dumpster~~ campfire.

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DNF Review: Murder on the Rocks by Clara Nipper

“I’m fighting crime with my twat.”

★

Bold Stroke Books | 2016

DNF @ 52%

Filed Under: The Case of the Unexpected Butt Plug

Soooooo, honestly what the fuck is this? It’s been a while since I read something this cringe-worthy.

Part of my bookish New Years’ resolution is to tackle my backlog of Netgalley arcs that I’ve been slacking on reading so hard that it’s kind of embarrassing at this point. This is one of the books in my backlog. And it’s going to be my first ever DNF.

That’s right, this book has forced me to turn over a new leaf – my DNF leaf. That’s a thing.

First of all, let’s talk about how this is presented to the reader – as a detective crime fiction novel. But, as far as I read, this book fits that category in only the most basic sense.

The main character, Jill Roberts, is a detective. Check.

She visits a couple of crime scenes. Check.

And that’s about it.

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Review: Tideline by Penny Hancock

★

Plume | 2012

Alternate Title: Kept in the Dark

Ugh, what the fuck did I just read?

This missed the mark on being a psychological thriller in a big way – it’s basically borderline pedophilia fiction.

*shivers*

I just can’t EVEN with this shit.

I was so uncomfortable my entire reading time, beginning to end. I’m still uncomfortable thinking about it to write this review.

A quick synopsis: Middle-aged Sonia – unhappily married with a grown daughter – plies 15-year-old Jez with drugs and alcohol in order to make him compliant so she can hold him captive in her home, because he reminds her of her first real love, Seb, who died when they were teens ( and also another thing that I won’t spoil, but really, it’s disgusting. I won’t say it, but you probably know somewhere deep down what I want to say. I won’t say it. But I’m saying it without saying it. Like telepathically. You get it.)

So, you know…gross.

Sonia gave me the worst case of heebie-jeebies I’ve ever had. She 👏 is 👏 so 👏 fucked 👏 up.

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Review: The Last Mrs. Parrish by Liv Constantine

★

Harper | 2017

Filed Under: My rage knows no bounds!

I wish the publishers hadn’t stuffed this novel into the psychological-thriller genre just because that’s where all the cool kids are, but had instead been honest about what this book is: a dark romance meets women’s fiction meets soap opera intrigue with a terrible, TERRIBLE message.

This level of dramatic soap-opera nutty-ness is just not my thing. It lacks humour and humanity, and is overpopulated with silly dialogue and tropes that feel like a reenactment. Not to mention, the internal misogyny that permeates the entire theme gets my feminist hackles up.

(This could get mildly spoiler-y because I’m going to rant, so if you’re super excited to read this, here’s my takeaway: Don’t waste your time with this, unless you’re cool with domestic abuse and the idea that it can be deserved. Otherwise, read on!)

So, this is pretty boring. It’s slow with dull scenes and so overtly dramatic in its boring elements that it becomes comical and cheesy. Ohhhhhh more rich people events with wildly cliché conversation? More descriptions of fancy clothes and designer labels and expensive underwear and boats and bikinis and hot bodies? Please, please, tell me again what else these people are spending their excessive amounts of money on!