Review: Eighth Grave After Dark (Charley Davidson, #8) by Darynda Jones

★★

St. Martin’s Press | 2015

Filed Under: Pregnant Mirror Sex

It physically hurts to say this, like I have bad gas, but I must tell the truth: I did not like this book.

I really do love this series and the characters have a special place in my heart, but WHAT IN THE HOLY-HELL IS GOING ON?

This can be my problem with long-running series: at some point, the author wants to take things to a new, unexpected level, but because the story has been going on for so long the only place left to take readers is right off the fucking rails.

And this is the book in Charley Davidson’s adventures that dropped off the tracks and decided to go careening off a bridge.

First of all, this book read more like a romance erotica novel than a true Charley Davidson instalment and I was just not fucking into it.

In case anyone forgot over the previous seven novels, Reyes is hot. Reyes is sexy. Reyes is the hottest, sexiest Son of Satan that ever did exist. Also, he’s Charley’s husband. They are married. They got married. Charley married the Son of Satan and he’s hot and sexy and beautiful, and they are so so SO in love and have amazing, mind-altering, orgasmic sex. Reyes is more beautiful than any human male could hope to be…

Honestly, this book might as well have been titled An Ode to Reyes Farrow’s Muscles and Beauty.

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Review: Into The Black Nowhere (UNSUB, #2) by Meg Gardiner

★★★★★

Dutton | 2018

Filed Under: Physical satisfaction

OKAY, FIRST OF-FUCKING-ALL: FUCK YES

And second: I’m so depressed this is over.

I’m not religious, but over this Easter weekend, I’ve decided I worship at the printing press of Meg Gardiner. And her books are my bible.

If you’re interested in my new religion, let me know. Maybe I’ll make some pamphlets.

I’m completely blown away by this instalment in the UNSUB series. I think I literally peed my pants over the first one. And it seemed a completely impossible task that an author would deliver an equally pee-pants worthy follow-up.

But, I’m peeing my pants right now. (Not really. I’m at work. No one would appreciate that.)

Still, this is a completely solid five-star rating, and my only little tiny, itty-bitty teeny issue is a completely personal one that comes from the fact that I know everything about Ted Bundy. He’s my favourite serial killer. Not in a weird way. You know what I mean.

Look, I’m not apologizing. It is what it is.

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Review: Her Last Day (Jessie Cole, #1) by T.R. Ragan

★★★

Thomas & Mercer | 2017

Filed Under: All tell, no show

I hate writing reviews for novels that didn’t get me fired up one way or the other.

Gushing reviews are easy. Angry reviews are fun.

But a blah review?

I mean, blah doesn’t give me the creative spark to live up to my potential as a sassy reviewer ’round these parts.

Sooooo yeaahhhhh… I’m having a hard time deciding how I feel about this offering by T.R. Ragan.

You’ve got all the makings of success in my eyes: A female P.I., a personal mystery, an interesting sub-plot and a serial killer on the loose.

Those are some big plot lines that have half the magic built right into them, all the author needs to do is throw in a little glitter and fire. Somehow this novel manages to be just okay — it’s just not sparkling, baby!

I see a lot of reviews calling it a fast-paced thriller, and um…

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Review: Never Never (Detective Harriet Blue, #1) by James Patterson & Candice Fox

★★½

Century | 2016

Filed Under: More like Sometimes Sometimes

Literally, two of my three book-related New Year’s resolutions for 2018 were to stop reading James Patterson, and I’ve already failed. It’s only March! What is wrong with me?!

Don’t answer that.

My only consolation is that this wasn’t totally fucking awful.

Candice Fox is an excellent writer on her own. She’s obviously the reason this book is at least relatively well written, but it’s still an emotional flatliner that is full of logic-holes.

It maintains the typical Patterson style of short chapters and colourful characters who lack depth, plus the usual “detective chasing a serial killer” plot that doesn’t attempt to bring anything new to the genre.

But what this book does have, which other Patterson novels don’t, is more realistic dialogue and a female lead that doesn’t irritate me when she calls everyone “butterfly” and has to hug her friends because she hasn’t seen them for a whole five minutes *cough Women’s Murder Club cough*

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Review: Black-Eyed Susans by Julia Heaberlin

★★★½

Ballantine Books | 2015

Filed Under: Canadian Bacon is not Ham ffs!

This is just an OK book about O.J. Simpson.

Oh, I’m sorry, it’s not about O.J. Simpson? He’s just talked about incessantly?

My bad.

So, this is a pretty good suspense mystery that is not about O.J. Simpson.

But who are we kidding? There really is no O.J. mystery.

*Points to my name tag that reads: Ask me about how O.J.’s oldest son probably did it and he covered it up for him*

Black-Eyed Susans follows Tessa, the only surviving victim of a serial killer. Known as “the lucky one,” her body was left in a ditch covered in the ominous yellow flowers and surrounded by the remains of three other women. Now 32, with a daughter and a life she’s scraped together with determination and strength, Tessa has to face the consequences of the testimony she gave at her accused killer’s trial — she’s not totally convinced the right man is behind bars anymore.

But just like everyone else in the history of mystery novels with a lazy plot device, the bitch has amnesia and can’t remember what happened to her. Ugh, fucking amnesia.

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Review: Final Girls by Riley Sager

★★★★★

Dutton | 2017

Filed Under: When a novel makes you with “Tom Cruise jump on a couch” joy.

It’s my birthday and I’m King of the World!

Okay, it’s not my birthday, nor am I a king, but that’s how this book makes me FEEL.

I’m not going to shame other people for their opinions on this one, but I will say if you didn’t like it, I truly believe you missed the beauty of what Riley Sager did here.

But, still, no judgment. I respect you all, I’m just a little bit in love with this novel. But also you’re wrong.

At Pine Cottage, ten years earlier, Quincy Carpenter emerged from the woods, bloody and screaming, the only survivor of a murderous massacre. We’re talking slasher-flick-sized proportions. The only problem is, in present-day, Quincy has repressed all memories of that night. She has no idea what happened.

By surviving this horrific event, Quincy becomes a member of a very exclusive club, dubbed in the media as The Final Girls.

“Final girls is film-geek speak for the last woman standing at the end of a horror movie.”

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Review: Seventh Grave and No Body (Charley Davidson, #7) by Darynda Jones

★★★½

St. Martin’s Press | 2014

Filed Under: Blow jobs as portals to otherworldly secrets

So, in this instalment we follow our hero (sans coffee — the horror!) as she balances running from the 12 hell hounds sent to kill her, trying to solve a Friday The 13th style mystery, testing her growing abilities, learning more about whether she’s going to save or destroy the world as per the big ole prophecy, dealing with being pregnant, and of course, delving deeper into her dysfunctional relationship with Reyes.

At this point, fans pretty much know what they’re going to get when they pick up a Charley book. There’s not a lot to say about this series that hasn’t already been said, or can’t be said exclusively with gifs and some swear words.

Also, I don’t like pregnant Charley.

Babies ruin everything. There. I said it.

If the overall prophecy arc has been a favourite part of this series for you, then you’re in luck! We learn so much more about what the fuck is really going on, including all that Charley is capable of and what her destiny is shaping up to be.

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Review: Two Girls Down by Louisa Luna

★★★★½

Doubleday | 2018

Filed Under: Fingers burning from turning the pages

So I’m just going to say it: Favourite read of 2018 so far!

OMG, heart-eyes for Louisa Luna!

This was just so much fun; a pretty perfect example of what a crime thriller-whodunit should be.

I would love this to be a series featuring the enigmatic bounty hunter/P.I. Alice Vega. Fingers crossed! Not a lot was revealed about her, just enough for you to know her without knowing her. There is still a lot of space to grow with Vega, more story that can be told.

The minute she popped onto the page, I knew I was in fictional love. Vega is damaged and snarky and ruthless, smart and cynical, with a short bullshit fuse. She has no problem beating the shit out of her “skips” or using her talent of mental warfare to get her way. She’s a tough-as-nails queen.

When I grow up, I want to be just like her.

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Review: Sixth Grave on the Edge (Charley Davidson, #6) by Darynda Jones

★★★★½

St. Martin’s Press | 2014

Filed Under: Team Mr. Wong!

I feel like this book is a watershed moment for the series. If you’ve been loving the ride so far, this instalment is going to test just how invested you really are in sticking it out with Charley.

If you’ve been iffy about Charley — whether you like her and her constant slapstick bullshit — then this book is going to be what tips you over the edge to one side or the other.

It is not your typical Charley Davidson novel. If you’re expecting to find a PI case that Charley takes from beginning to end… sorry, but no. There is a lot going on, a lot of defining moments, a lot of new plot threads that are introduced for the future of the series, and one hell of a cliffhanger.

(Seriously, the seventh book was available for download from my library and I borrowed that shit immediately after finishing this.)

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Review: N0S4A2 by Joe Hill

★★★½

William Morrow | 2013

Filed Under: I’ve never read Stephen King before.

OMG, I HAVE FINALLY READ THIS FUCKING BOOK. What’s it been, 30 years?!

I’m tired, guys. I’m so so tired.

I feel like I just escaped from Christmasland and my life force is nearly drained.

My head hurts. I think this book gave me a headache — that’s how intense it was.

The gist is Victoria ‘Vic’ McQueen can travel across a covered bridge on her bike and arrive on the other side wherever she wants to be.

Charlie Manx can drive his vintage 1938 Rolls-Royce Wraith to a supernatural amusement park, which he created, called Christmasland. And the Rolls-Royce is the key to getting in. On his way there, he kidnaps children. During the ride, the kids are drained of their life force in order to keep Manx alive, because you see, he’s a few hundred years old. Can’t let that decay start sloughing off body parts, can we?

“She told me about Charlie Manx. She warned me about him. She said there was a man, a bad man with a bad car. He used his car to suck the life out of children. He was a kind of vampire — a road vampire.”

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