Review: Bloom by Delilah S. Dawson

“She is obsessed, she is compelled, she is called. She is a selkie, and Ash has her skin. It’s infuriating and delicious and easy and challenging and tumultuous and she is hungry for more.”

★★★★

Titan Books | 2023

Filed Under: The cottagecore has rotted.

This is a sapphic horror novel – two women, both equally giving off bad vibes in very different ways – fall in love after meeting at a farmer’s market.

It sounds just precious, doesn’t it?

Side note: My husband was going to propose to me at a farmer’s market. And then, not knowing his plan, I managed to say something about public proposals being my worst nightmare. So he changed his plan to something more intimate. Anyway…

Don’t get too caught up in the meet-cute of this novel, because everything else is a fucking insecure, anxiety-ridden hellscape of awkwardness and red flags and infatuation, and then like some gross shit I won’t get into because it’s all a big fucked up spoiler.

And trust me when I say, you do not want this to be spoiled for you.

Ash is a mysterious waif who runs an apothecary stall at the weekend farmer’s market, where she sells decadent cupcakes, homemade soaps and lotions, candles, pottery and plants… and whatever else off-grid no-waste purists make. Shoes made out of bark? Hats made out of grass? I saw that on Naked and Afraid.

Rosemary has a PhD, is a literature professor and just got out of a 3-year relationship with a shitty guy. She sees herself as Ash’s opposite, and when they meet, there are immediate sparks and Ro finds herself obsessing over this ethereal beauty who is everything she’s not.

Continue reading →

Review: Campfire by Shawn Sarles

★½

Jimmy Patterson | 2018

Filed Under: Hormones and BEST FRIENDS FOREVER

Okay, okay. I know what you’re going to say. But WAIT. I know this book is a James Patterson publication. And I know the forward is written by him. With that information in mind, you may be tempted to say that I’ve already broken my New Years’ resolution to not read any Patterson, but I disagree!

I’m calling this Patterson adjacent. It’s close, but it’s not on the target.

Also, I had no idea he had anything to do with this book until it was too late, soooo…

I’m leaving this up to the judges to decide.

JUDGES?

Judges’ ruling finds…it’s not a violation! It is NOT a violation! The crowd goes wild…

Oh, the judges are me? Go figure.

Now that we’ve taken care of that, onto my review for this raging ~~dumpster~~ campfire.

Continue reading →

Review: The Homecoming by Andrew Pyper

“When mom called to tell me the news, I was surprised at first that Raymond Quinlan was capable of something so human as dying.”

★★★★

Simon & Schuster | 2019

Filed Under: I don’t want to be in your will that much

I’m a huge fan of Blake Crouch and this book by Andrew Pyper is giving me some serious Crouch vibes. I’m not mad about it. This is the first book I’ve read by Pyper but it won’t be my last. The Homecoming was pretty much the shit if you’re into dark thrillers with a horror-sci-fi undertone.

The Quinlan family has lost their patriarch, the mysterious and absent Raymond Quinlan. He was a workaholic who left his children – Aaron, Franny and the youngest, Bridge – with some daddy issues. But all his work and bad parenting also left behind a few million in assets, so how bad can an absent father really be in that case?

Belfountain is a huge estate in the PNW that includes cabins, a lodge and an old Christian summer camp on the grounds. It’s worth a cool thirty million in the right market conditions and it technically now belongs to the remaining Quinlans. But, in order for them to get their hands on their cut of their father’s will, they have to agree to spend 30 days on the estate and have no contact with the outside world.

I mean, that sounds weird and fucked up and you have to ask yourself, seriously what kind of father did they get stuck with? But it’s still a few million each and at this point in my life I would do a lot of fucked up things for a few million.

Continue reading →

Review: There’s Someone Inside Your House by Stephanie Perkins

“People live through such pain only once; pain comes again, but it finds a tougher surface.”

★★★

Dutton Books for Young Readers | 2017

Filed Under: Start your egg timers.

I’m going to try to be nice.

And I’m going to try to be nice because while I didn’t really love this like I wanted to, I also didn’t hate it on its face. It’s not a bad novel in terms of writing, in fact, I think Stephanie Perkins has a hell of a narrative voice… she just doesn’t know what she’s doing with a horror novel.

I read this as part of my search to find a YA thriller that I actually want to rave about after I finish the last page, and I had high hopes this would be that novel.

It’s supposed to be a horror/thriller. It’s supposed to be, as per the promotion, “Scream meets YA.” The title, the cover – it’s all saying READ ME SO I CAN SCARE YOU!

You compare something to Scream and I say GIMME NOW.

I love Scream. I love all teen slashers. I grew up on that shit. It’s an important part of my developmental stages from child to teen to adult… which probably explains a lot.