True Crime Tuesday: The Twilight Killers

Please read the “TCT Disclaimer,” under the True Crime tab at the top of the page before reading any true crime posts.

Happy February, Murderinos!

It’s the month of love – for your friends, family, pets, yourself and maybe even your 14-year-old boyfriend who you’re planning on killing your family for.

You know, a tale as old as time.

beauty and the beast ballroom GIF by Disney

I mean, seriously, kids kill their parents a lot. This isn’t an essay on why I’m not having kids, but it might as well be.

But first, just a word of wisdom to all the youngins out there thinking you might want to kill your parents because they don’t like your shitty new boyfriend: don’t. Really simple. Just don’t.

Number one, you are not smart enough to get away with it. Most adults with real resources are not smart enough to get away with murder. If you run away, the cops will think you’ve been abducted, but they’ll figure out real quick that you’re actually guilty AF. And if you don’t run, you’re the number one suspect right out of the gate and you don’t lie as well as you think you do.

Number two, you’re probably going to break up with that person, let’s be real. I know you think you’ll be together forever and no one will ever understand you the way they do, but the “you” that they understand is about to change 100 more times before you turn 30. The you that exists today is not intellectually going to exist even six months from now. It’s calling growing and you are not done. And most people grow apart. That’s a fact.

So, if you kill your parents, instead of being in college or whatever, dating, making new friends and getting drunk on spring break in Cancun, you’re going to be in prison, using charcoal as eyeshadow and trading cigarettes for ramen. You’ll be 62, cooking your ramen on a toilet while your cellmate asks you to hurry up so they can shit in front of you, and you’ll be thinking to yourself, why the fuck did I kill my parents?

Think Schitts Creek GIF by CBC

On that lovely note, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! So, let’s get into this month’s true crime case featuring a killer couple who did it for “love” – Lucas Markham and Kim Edwards, also known as the “Twilight” killers.

And yes, they are called that for exactly the reason you think, Bella. Ugh, fucking kids…

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True Crime Tuesday: The “Mischief Night” Murder of Martha Moxley

Please read the “TCT Disclaimer,” under the True Crime tab at the top of the page before reading any true crime posts.

Long time no talk, Murderinos. How have you been? Are you holding up okay in this Twilight Zone/Upside Down world we’ve somehow crossed into?

If you’ve noticed, my posting around here has been null and void as of late. I’ve spent most of my time working on cleaning up the ol’ blog instead of posting new shit – editing posts for content and grammar, removing some things and deleting old features as I decide what I want to focus on going into the new year.

2021 is creeping up on us faster than The Demon from Insidious. I can hardly believe October is almost over! And there’s only like a week left until the U.S. decides if they’re going to get rid of the Orange Dumpster Mussolini. Time flies when everything fucking constantly sucks. That’s how the saying goes, right?

Speaking of a daily basis, personally, life has been pretty chill for me, or should I say repetitive? All my days blend together. You know, aside from my roof leaking in a thunderstorm and unexpectedly having to spend big bucks that I’d rather have kept for the holidays to fix it. Or the fact that my mother, stepdad and sister all have COVID-19 and have been sick for the last three weeks. I think (*knock on wood*) that they’re going to be okay as they haven’t required any hospitalization, but it’s still scary. Anything could happen and that’s the worst part of this illness. You never know how it’s going to affect you or the people you love. Texting my mother every day to make sure she’s not taken a turn for the worse was not in my plans for 2020. But then again, none of this was for anyone.

Other than that, my days are pretty much the same all the time, always, into oblivion. I’m still working from home, still not going out unless it’s absolutely necessary. This pandemic has definitely fucked with everyone’s vibe, and I’m no exception. Finding the desire to read and write has proven to be elusive under the stress, the weirdness and the fear.

BUT! It’s Halloween season! I’ve decorated the house and have been watching horror movies literally every night, trying to stay positive and enjoy the festivities, as pandemically altered as they may be. I’m not sure we’re handing out candy this year. I can’t think of a way to do it that doesn’t involve Lysol spraying every piece of candy or creating some kind of shoot delivery system that’s 6-feet long.

Maybe missing Halloween won’t be so bad. It certainly decreases the odds that you’ll be fucking murdered.

For today’s True Crime Tuesday case, I wanted to keep with my Halloween spirit and talk about a murder that took place over our most favourite time of year. For most of us it’s about candy and costumes and scary movies, but for some, the dark and twisted make-believe turns out to be real.

This is the murder of Martha Moxley.

Continue reading “True Crime Tuesday: The “Mischief Night” Murder of Martha Moxley”

True Crime Tuesday: The Nine Million Dollar Murder

Please read the “TCT Disclaimer” under the True Crime tab at the top of the page before reading any true crime posts.

robin williams hello GIF

It’s been a while!

Sorry for the break! But not really. I hope you stumbled across many other funny and wonderful book bloggers and true crime writers to fill the Krystin-shaped hole in your heart. I know there are so many writers to read and it means a lot to me that you still stick around my blog even when I disappear every now and again.

I’ve been super fucking busy at home trying to finish my bedroom renovation. I know, I know. I’ve been promising forever to post my basement reno and I’ve already moved on to my bedroom. What can I say? I don’t possess a lot of virtues, and patience definitely isn’t one of the few.

I finished painting on Sunday and I’m so happy to say there are no more rooms in my house that require a full wall of paint… three years later. I fucked up my shoulder once again and my back is twisted, but all the heavy, big projects are officially done and now I can just focus on the smaller details like hanging a mirror or putting up curtains.

I can’t tell you how excited I am to just sit on my fucking ass and do nothing once again. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And it looks a lot like me in bed with a book and a snuggly puppy. And of course, writing more posts around here. I fucking swear it!

Truly, my Fitbit has never seen me achieve so many steps before. It thinks someone new is wearing it.

Anyway, I’m feeling a little bit less stressed, my brain fog is clearing and my creative juices are totally pumping… forgive me for saying “creative juices.” That phrase could not be any more disgusting. But I digress… a new true crime story is just breaking within the last couple of days, and it is completely fucked up and sensational and has me rolling my eyes in all kinds of directions because goddamn teenagers are just so fucking stupid and cruel sometimes.

We’re talking terrible teenagers. We’re talking murder. We’re talking child pornography – so trigger warning there. We’re talking fake millionaires. We’re talking being gullible as fuck.

This is the murder of Cynthia Hoffman.

Continue reading “True Crime Tuesday: The Nine Million Dollar Murder”

True Crime Tuesday: Mary Bell

Please read the “TCT Disclaimer” under the True Crime tab at the top of the page before reading any true crime posts.

Oh, shit. Mary Fucking Bell.

But, first let’s chat. So, I’ve never been much of a “kid person.” I’m not very good with them. I’m uneasy, unsure of how to have a conversation because kids like to talk about stupid shit. Then they show you things you’ve seen a million times. I don’t feign interest well. Ohh, cool, is that a piece of paper with scribbles on it? Wowwww.

I’m not sure what to do with them, or if I should be myself because I’m definitely R-rated. Also, I don’t understand kid ages? Like what happens when? And what age is appropriate for what? Because I watched Jim Carrey’s Grinch with a 7-year-old and that was apparently terrifying. I don’t get it, and all I really want to do is watch true crime documentaries and horror, so like, get a different babysitter next time? I’m sorry that’s selfish.

But mostly, I find kids shady.

You never really know what they’re going to say or do. Could they throw a tantrum and ruin a perfectly good evening? Probably. Are they going to say something wildly inappropriate and pass it off like they didn’t know better while Mommy says, “Eva, you don’t tell people they’re fat!” Like, yes, one-hundred-percent that’s going to happen in the presence of a child.

Are they going to kill you? FUCKING MAYBE.

People like to think children are cute and innocent and need to be protected at all costs. Don’t give them sex education, they’ll be ruined!

Little did you know, they were already planning to ruin you. By flushing your phone down the toilet, or colouring the dog with a Sharpie. Or fucking killing someone.

There are lots of examples of children who kill. Seriously, just google children who kill and watch the results roll in. But possibly my favourite example of this dark shady kid business is Mary Bell, who, at the age of ten, strangled two toddlers to death.

Shocked Oh My God GIF by Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Trigger warning: Violence against children, child murder

Continue reading “True Crime Tuesday: Mary Bell”