★
Harper | 2017
Filed Under: My rage knows no bounds!
“What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.”
This quote from the 1967 film, COOL HAND LUKE, basically sums up how I’m feeling after reading this book. And I’ve never even seen the movie. The quote just came to me, as a thing I know somehow, deep from within the pop culture recesses of my mind. There’s a lot of useless information in there.
I might also go with: “…in the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!” -Stepbrothers.
What I mean to say: I wish the publishers hadn’t stuffed this novel into the psychological-thriller genre just because that’s where all the cool kids are, and had instead been honest about what this book is – a dark romance meets women’s fiction meets soap opera intrigue with a terrible, TERRIBLE fucking message.
I’m sorry, but I am not thrilled.
Had I known this from the start, I would have passed on reading it, because this level of dramatic soap-opera nutty-ness is just not my thing. It lacks humour and humanity and is overpopulated with terrible one-liners, clichés and silly dialogue and tropes that felt like a copy of a copy of a copy, to paraphrase Palahniuk.
Not to mention, the internal misogyny that permeates the entire theme gets my feminist hackles up.
Anyway… I didn’t know I shouldn’t read this, so I did, and now I have library late fees and a shitty review to write, so buckle up, bitches!
(This could get mildly spoiler-y because I’m going to rant, so if you’re super excited to read this, here’s my takeaway: Don’t waste your time with this, unless you’re cool with domestic abuse being legitimized. Otherwise, read on!)
First of all, this is boring. That’s the most concise way to describe it. It’s slow with dull scenes. It’s so overtly dramatic in the boring elements that it becomes comical and cheesy. Ohhhhhh more rich people events with wildly cliché conversation? More descriptions of fancy clothes and designer labels and expensive underwear and boats and bikinis and hot bodies? Please, please, tell me again what else these people are spending their excessive amounts of money on!
For the first third of the book, we follow Amber Patterson as she enacts her plan to steal someone’s rich, powerful husband. Amber is a one-dimensional douche-canoe who is absolutely agonizing to read. She’s a hateful, conniving con-artist for seemingly no real reason, other than she grew up poor and believes she deserves better, and the only way to get “better” is with butt-loads of money.
She has zero redeeming qualities, not even a modicum of a sympathetic trait. She’s absolutely spiteful in her self-righteous belief that she could be a better rich asshole than all the other rich assholes. As if there’s some kind of virtue in aspiring to be the absolute worst.
Amber teaches herself about everything that a cultured, wealthy person would apparently know. She reads The Odyssey and becomes an amateur sommelier and learns about real estate and art and hedge funds. You’d think that someone who is that driven and smart would want to go to University and aspire to be a CEO or something, in charge of her own money with her own power. But no, Amber just wants to be some fucking man’s rich wife. Yawnnnn.
She’s a completely insufferable character, and you truly start to wonder what the authors were thinking in their creation of her until the book switches over to the POV of Daphne Parrish, the woman whose husband Amber is intent on stealing. I was honestly so relieved when I left Amber behind – I wasn’t sure how much more of her I could take.
Daphne, from Amber’s perspective, has it all. From the beautiful kids that the nanny takes care of, to the closet full of designer clothes, to the fleet of cars and the private chef and the estate-sized mansion and the expensive vacations. Down to the perfect, powerful, wealthy husband who provides it all and is, of course, gorgeous and desired by every woman in Daphne’s social circle. Mr. Jackson Parrish.
Listen, Elon Musk might be able to buy himself hair but he can’t make himself hot. That’s the balance of the universe.
Underneath the opulence and money, however, Jackson is a controlling, abusive, waste of oxygen. There are small hints leading up to the change in POV that there is something dark about Jackson, but the shift in perspective brings it all rapidly to the forefront of the story because it is the forefront of Daphne’s life.
Okay, I shouldn’t say rapidly. First, we need to get through how Daphne met Jackson, their first date, meeting the parents and getting married and going on a honeymoon and having a baby and like, every other major milestone in a married couple’s life before gasp! Jackson is really a total dick punch?! Say it isn’t so.
Now…this is where I start getting ranty.
Up until this point, I was willing this give this book 3 stars, call it just so-so and kind of Lifetime movie-esque and move on with my life. Except, it is here, in the last third of the book, that the tagline really starts to reveal its true meaning.
“Some women get everything. Some women get everything they deserve.”
What Daphne deserves is to be free of Jackson. To regain control of her life, and the lives of her children and move on from the prison she has been living in, even if she had “everything”. Okay, great. Agreed. You can’t put a price on freedom.
But in order for Daphne to escape her personal hell, Amber must take her place in her abusive marriage. And we, as the readers, are supposed to want this. We’re supposed to cheer this. We’re supposed to think it’s an inspired twist!
This is why the authors created such a one-dimensional, unsympathetic cunt of a character in Amber. So that when Daphne’s “clever” plan succeeds and Amber becomes the new Mrs. Jackson Parrish, the reader says: “Yes, good! She deserves this!”
We’re supposed to want a woman to be a victim of domestic abuse and rape because that is a just punishment.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I could see this coming, but I hoped it wasn’t true. I kept my fingers crossed that Daphne and Amber would find a way to join forces and destroy Jackson together. I was still hoping I would end up back at a three-star rating. But nooooooo.
I don’t care how awful Amber is, or how many heartless things she did in pursuit of her morally bankrupt and superficial goal – this is not a thing to wish on someone. Prison time? Sure, that would have looked more like justice. But, I’m literally stunned that an active choice was made by the authors to convince readers that it’s fun and entertaining to witness an unlikable character become a victim of domestic abuse and rape.
Anyone who gave this book 4 or 5 stars really needs to examine why this “twist” didn’t bother you. I mean, if you totally loved the book, I’m not here to judge your review… but, just think about it. Because, honestly, for as cheesy and boring and soap-opera-y as this novel is, the resolution to Daphne’s problems and what Amber “deserves” is fucked up and no one should be okay with this kind of narrative device – one that tells us women can deserve to be victims of abuse if they are unlikable enough.
It’s sick. Sorry, not sorry.
It takes a lot for me to hand out a one-star review. I save those for flaming piles of shit. But, I’m making an exception in this case. I think I kind of totally hated this deeply on principle alone.
🔪🔪🔪
Amber Patterson is fed up. She’s tired of being a nobody: a plain, invisible woman who blends into the background. She deserves more—a life of money and power like the one blond-haired, blue-eyed goddess Daphne Parrish takes for granted.
To everyone in the exclusive town of Bishops Harbor, Connecticut, Daphne—a socialite and philanthropist—and her real-estate mogul husband, Jackson, are a couple straight out of a fairy tale.
Amber’s envy could eat her alive . . . if she didn’t have a plan. Amber uses Daphne’s compassion and caring to insinuate herself into the family’s life—the first step in a meticulous scheme to undermine her. Before long, Amber is Daphne’s closest confidante, traveling to Europe with the Parrishes and their lovely young daughters, and growing closer to Jackson. But a skeleton from her past may undermine everything that Amber has worked towards, and if it is discovered, her well-laid plan may fall to pieces.
With shocking turns and dark secrets that will keep you guessing until the very end, The Last Mrs. Parrish is a fresh, juicy, and utterly addictive thriller from a diabolically imaginative talent
heresthefuckingtwist.com 
“Listen, Elon Musk might be able to buy himself hair but he can’t make himself hot” – this review is hilarious!! You have a way with words. Sounds like a real shitty book – I hate books about really rich people anyway, but one that promotes domestic abuse??? Burn it.
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Thanks Zuky!! lol. And yes, burning it to the mother-effing ground.
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😂 Brilliant. I do love a good hater review! 😂
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Me too! Sometimes they bring me such a rush lol. Thanks 🙂
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You are sooooo funny 😂😂😂😂
I’ve had this book on my shelf for long but never started it… would’ve never bought if it hadn’t shown up in a subscription box 😔😔
I’m not even sure I should read this now, even if just to hate on it… sounds like such a waste….
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Aw, thank you! Being funny is my main goal. Number two would be honesty. And number 3 would be pasta. That has nothing to do with the blog, but, you know…
As for the book, lots of my GR friends seemed to like it, I’m in the minority with my rating, but at least now going into it, you would know what to expect. I’m so not down with the message it sends!
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I never thought they would incorporate such a bad message…. really makes me not wanna read it…
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Arggg started it… got bored .. not the correct word… did not like the character… Read the reviews and now know whole story…. good, I like “ revenge books ” if one could call it that. The reviewers that did not like book….. yea! I only got to chapter TWO…. some might say, “ if you like revenge, why not read it.” Cuz. I really don’t like women like that 🙀. For whatever reason I thought it was a mystery novel?
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lol. Interesting perspective. I love how you weave your words. I was pregnant when I read this one. I just kept dozing off but didn’t think it was the book. I blamed it on the pregnancy. Well, now I know better. For some reason I was really also hoping the two babes would kick Parish’s a*** and walk away whistling. Guess no such luck. Not sure I’ll be posting a review on my blog for this one.
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A little girl power would have gone a long way to change my rating LOL.
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I just finished this book and rushed to look up reviews of it because I could t believe this inane and demented story had somehow gotten into my hands. I agree with you 1000 percent. Wished the two victims had teamed up and turned tables in the monster. What a crock of shit misogynist ending! Love your review!
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Thanks Rudy! I still get a little eye-twitch whenever this book shows up in my various feeds with people talking about how much they loved it.
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I also kept thinking over and over again how rich Amber could have been if she used her evidently strong work ethic, aptitude for learning, and fierce determination to do LITERALLY. ANYTHING. ELSE. I’m so glad I bailed a third of the way through this book and saved myself the agony and boredom of more of this drivel. I am also very glad I found your review which confirmed that I was correct in hating this book.
P.s. I am also passionately in support of the oxford comma
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I’m clearly bias, but yeah, you were totally correct to bail. And definitely one of my biggest problems with the narrative was that a super intelligent woman uses all her brains and determination to…. steal a penis? *eye twitch* That’s gonna be a hard “no” from me.
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You are crazy!! I enjoyed every page!!
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So I think you’re crazy then. See? Works both ways.
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Thank God someone shares my point of view! I read this book because it showed up on Reese’s list and I like her so thought her book club must be good too. I was so wrong! First and last book from her book club recommendations… not only am I disappointed, I am angry at wasting my time reading this piece of c**p!
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Go off, booknerd! I’m right there with you. I HATED this and I’m so beyond disappointed that Reese chose this for her book club without even seeing the disgusting misogyny a LITTLE bit. If they make this into a TV show I’ll flip a table.
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I love this review, that book sounds awful! I was thinking about reading it but I’m glad I chose not to!
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Started the book then looked for some reviews. So very glad I read your review first (I’m on like chapter two) your review of this book reminds me of how I felt after reading “speak” like why would you write that and who would give it 5 stars?? Glad I got this from the library and didn’t pay for it!! On to the next ebook!
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Thanks for posting this. I stopped reading when the police arrested a fleeing Daphne because I wasn’t enjoying the book enough to push through more scenes of abuse. It’s not often I quit a book, but I’m going to this time. On to something better (hopefully.)
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I finished this book last night and I’m so glad I came across your review! I completely agree with everything you said. Amber was a horrible person, very selfish, narcissistic, a gold digger, a liar, “whore”, we’re meant to see her as “deserving” what she gets in the end. Meanwhile, we’re meant to see Daphne as the “madonna”, the good Christian girl, doesn’t believe in abortion, runs a charity, and when she escapes her abuse we’re meant to see it as “heroic”. I found nothing heroic in her actions. I was hoping the ending would have Daphne and Amber catch up with each others’ manipulative ways and together they would take down Jackson, who has absolutely zero redeemable qualities, being a violent sociopath (which is somehow never explained why, they briefly mention his father wasn’t around much and he was close to his mother who died, but that’s it). I saw Amber as a more “fun” villain, the type you see in a Lifetime movie, the seductress with a goal (in her case landing a rich man), but she’s also smart and manipulative. But as we can see, when Jackson holds her at gunpoint, she involuntarily urinates on herself, so clearly she’s not incapable of human emotion the way he is, she’s just extremely selfish.
Amber gets the worst punishment of all, being stuck now in the abusive relationship that Daphne was in, and you’d think Daphne, who calls herself an empath, would know better than to put someone else into the terror and horror that she went through. Sure, Amber lied about her past about being a victim of abuse. But that doesn’t mean she deserved to become an actual victim of one. And she’ll have a far harder time getting out of the abusive marriage, since she has a history of lying, making her an “imperfect” victim, to Daphne’s “perfect victim”.
The only real punishment that Jackson gets is getting arrested in the end for tax evasion, which is nothing to what he truly deserves. However, I feel the one silver lining here, and I wish this could have been added onto the ending, is that without his money, he no longer has power. The reason he was able to control Daphne as long as he did was because of his money, paying off psychiatrists, hospitals, police, staff, etc. Without his money now, he won’t be able to control Amber. I hope Amber can make an escape, with Jackson Junior (and that’s another scary thought, that this poor child has such horrible parents, did Daphne think about that before manipulating putting an innocent child into the world?), and perhaps she’ll start over again. She’ll probably never change, but I don’t want her trapped with Jackson.
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Love your analysis, and yes, how ridiculous that Jackson just gets slapped with a charge of tax evasion and all the “real” punishment we’re supposed to be on board with is saved for the abused woman. Ugh, I just can’t with this book!
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Thank you for writing this!! I found 1000x more enjoyment reading this review than the book itself! I suffered through the Amber part and gave up reading last night. I’m so glad I’m not wasting my time and your review is SPOT on!! I would have been sick reading that. How are people okay with this message?!
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I have now read several books that are within “Reese’s Book Club” and I have to say this: Reese, I no longer trust your recommendations.
With that being said – I have seen SO many reviews in the several groups I am in for this book that hail it to be magnificent, a work of art, ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS EVER. I put it on my TBR and figured when I needed something to pull me out of a slump I’d give it a go.
I made it through 10 chapters before I had to put the book down and scour the internet for spoilers. Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy a slow burning start, as long as it delivers before I get bored. However, this book…… wow. Not only is the writing bland as well as repetitive, the character we are following is AWFUL. Not your run of the mill awful, but just a disgusting human being. It reminds me of every cheesy movie where the awful step mother weasels her way in to win the mans heart and then ships the kids to boarding school. I kept smacking my head saying “DAPHNE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! THIS CHICK IS A LUNATIC.” Usually I do not mind a god awful character because along the way the author sprinkles set backs that causes the antagonist to think under pressure while their careful plan cracks.
I think if we would have had dual POV of Amber and Daphne from the beginning it would have intrigued me to continue on to see how it played out. Now I’m rather glad I stumbled across your review – no matter how much I loathe Amber I’d never think subjecting them to a life of torment is the right way to go, much rather would have seen them team up and go their separate ways. Making the irony that Amber did all of that and still ended up exactly where she started – no husband, no money, and a criminal.
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